Posts Tagged ‘love’

PostHeaderIcon Mother’s Day

I am not what most people consider a typical mother my kids don’t call me mom, they call me by my first name. But I am a mother none the less. When I was very young my mother said to me, “I hope you never bring children into this world.” Confused and a bit hurt I asked her “why?” She went on to explain that the world of the future will not be like it was when she grew up. She felt it would be a hard life going forward for future generations. She apologized to me for bring me into this world, worrying I would have a hard life. She re assured me that she loved me and while I didn’t totally understand her fears, I do now. That got me to thinking.

As a young adult I made the decision to never give birth to a child, and I never have. I did, however, want a family and wanted to raise children. I always thought I would marry and we would adopt. That was my plan.

I met a wonderful man who had three children, the youngest being 4 years old, and the older two children in their early teens. Wow, that kinda sounds like the Brady Bunch song. We married 5 years after meeting. I met my husband after his wife passed way, having recently lost my own mother I could relate to some of the same feelings his children were going through. My husband and I were together for 5 years before we married. During those 5 years I was very involved with the family. I really grew to love the children and care for them as my own.

I felt very strongly that the kids remember their mother and I would sit down with them and put the VHS tapes in the player and watch family movies or look though the photo album. The youngest one loved to watch them and would ask lots of questions. The older two would watch for a while and then go off and do other things. One of the things I felt strongly about was not changing the look of the house or putting the things that belong to their mother away. I knew from personal experience how it felt when walking into to my childhood home after my father met his second wife and that she had wipe away any signs of my mother. Now I was in my 30’s at the time but still bothered me. I didn’t want these wonderful kids to feel I was replacing their mom. She would not be forgotten and locked away. Was it always easy for me? No.

When we finally got married the youngest was 8, by this time she was so used to calling me by my given name that once I was officially her step mom she just never thought of me as anything other than my name. I never expected the older two call me mom, but deep down I did for the littlest one.

As they grew up I made mistakes, but what mom doesn’t? I never forget I am the step mom, and I often wonder if the mistakes I made hurt them. I sometime wonder if I hadn’t been there would their lives have been better. Would they be happier? Mind you they had/have a good life. They were well loved even if it didn’t always seem that way.
I often wonder if they really know just how much I love them. You see I’m not sure how they really feel about me. I wonder if other mothers feel the same way? Or is it a Step-Mom thing?

Since its Mothers day and all the commercials are showing kids showering their mothers praise on such a wonderful job she did to raise them. It has me thinking do my kids feel the same way? Do they understand that I would do just about anything for them? When they are hurting, I’m hurting, when they cry I cry too? Do they know I would do it all over again?

I’m not so old that I can’t remember what it was like when I was their age. In fact I remember telling my own parents “Just let me make my own mistakes,” and did they! I can laugh about it now. I wonder if thing s would have been different if I had listened to them.

I wonder if they understand that I worry about them. I have so much life experience that I can often see the pit falls they are headed for and when I try to warn them, it’s not to be controlling, but to try and help them steer around the pit?

I hope they know how proud I am of them, they have grown into wonderful adults.